Dealing with Grief

The Daily Practice

On March 29th, 2021, at 7:56 PM, I lost my Amie. Four days had passed since she entered the hospital in a coma. Four days of tests, questions, and the slow breaking of hearts. I thank God that Amie had spoken to me about her wishes for what we wanted at the end of life. I knew she did not want to live this way. So, when the final diagnosis of her chances of coming out of the coma and ever being able to live without life support was near zero, I made the decision to end treatment. Even knowing that this was what she wanted did not make the decision any easier. I held her hand to her last breath. She lasted about 20 minutes without support. She was gone.

Even though I had days to prepare, I was not ready. I was in shock. I did not know what to do next, and I also did not care what next was. All I kept doing was whatever I thought Amie would want over the next month or two, to just keep moving forward, even if it was ever so slow. Every day for about three years, there was significant pain and tears. I would always say I was fine because, in reality, I was fine, just sad, and to be sad is okay. Grief is a never-ending process. It does not get easier; you just get further from it. There is no road map for it. I had to find my own way through the forest. I kept focus on what was right in front of me: the studio, my job, my friends, and my family. I just kept moving forward regardless of the pain. Why? Because I have people that love me. The support I received from friends, family, and the studio was beyond anything I can put into words. I could not give up because I am loved, and I owe it to those that love me to keep moving forward, to keep growing.

I went to yoga classes, I taught more classes, I paid lots of attention to my dog Harry (he lost his mom too), and I visited friends and family. It is a strange thing seeing life move on when you feel a part of you is stuck—birthdays, Christmas, celebrations, weddings, and the like—all of which mention her less and less. But that is life. The thing with grief is that it seems to stay in that moment of loss. The memory stays as I meet different people who never knew Amie. So instead of fighting the memory, I accepted it. I welcomed it as part of me, not something to get past. I have to move on in life, but I have welcomed the grief as part of this life.

My focus would turn more to the beautiful memories of Amie. I am thankful that we had that time together. I started a morning gratitude practice ever since her passing, being thankful for all the people in my life that love me—from my family, my partner and her children, friends, pets, and for those that have passed on. I am grateful for all the love this life is giving me. The heartache and tears are still there but not as intense, and there are more laughs and smiles. There are bumps here and there. I keep moving forward.

I have a wonderful partner who has added to my family with her family like I never thought possible. I have my friends, family, and the studio, all of which support me, even if it is just by showing up daily. Grief does not go away; you just get further from it. Be thankful for the love you have and had in your life. Love also never goes away; it only transforms.

This was just my path. Others will be different. The key for me was to remember I have people that love me, count on me and I have to continue for them. To keep moving forward.