The one constant in life is change. This past year has changed me. The biggest change is the perspective I have on many things but most of all how lucky I am. The out pouring of love and support I got this year was so significant it changed the way I see everything.
I don't like to lean on people, ask for help or even let anyone know I might need help. I am the person people lean on and come to when things are at there worst for help. This year I needed help. I had no choice, I could not handle the weight on my shoulders. It was extremely humbling and not how I like to feel. My world was upside down and everyone knew it, and understood it. The question "How are you doing?" was a useless question to me because no matter what I projected, I was not doing well.
Time seemed to move slowly, every moment was a lifetime because I was living in fear of what the next moment might lead to, chaos was the normal state of feeling. For a person that has a plan for everything, is the always fighting to make things better, always leading, I had to sit, and accept I could do nothing, I could not know or plan for the next moment, I had to just let it come to me and react.
But I survived because of the love an support of my family, friends, teachers and students. I survived because of the phone calls, text's and emails of support, I survived because of the countless hugs and shared tears, I survived because I am loved.
As I placed Amie's ashes in the sea and walked back to the beach with over 100 people gathered with me to say goodbye, as I saw their faces, their concern for me, their sadness for the loss of Amie, I also saw all the love and support they gave and continue to give me. In that moment I realized I am a very lucky man.
In my life I often feel alone. The one that needs to be strong, lift others, support and give. I still do those things but I no longer feel alone. I am the luckiest man.